Miscarriages & Outrageous Grace

April 28, 2011: "this is the baby's head and the baby measures about 8 1/2 weeks, but I'm sorry I cannot find the heartbeat"... September 7, 2011: "I am sorry, but it is a miscarriage"... February 7, 2012: "I'm so sorry..."

This could get awkward and personal but here goes... Nothing in my life has broken my heart the way 3 miscarriages have. I'm writing this post as a testimony to God's grace, a place to collect lessons learned on this journey, and as a reminder to myself I'm not the person I was before. Does that sound melodramatic? I mean, there are worse things than miscarriages. But one thing I've learned in all this is that comparison is a dangerous game.  It kills compassion, it stunts growth, it belittles pain. My own emotions have run the gamut from putting on a good face, to deep bitterness and anger, to flippancy, to hope, to despair, to hope. And nothing has made Jesus more real and lovely and tangible and life-giving than the death of 3 babies in my womb.

The morning after that first terrible ultrasound, I woke up at 2am. There is a worship song called May Your Power Rest on Me that began playing through my head and hasn't really stopped since. I cry every time we sing it at church. I fear hearing it being sung at church if I happen to be pregnant again. It's become a portent of bad news as we've sung it the week before or after every miscarriage I've had. But it's my song now. Or rather the song God has me singing to Him:

Let me hear my Savior say
"Your strength shall return"
Then I'll rejoice in my weakness
As I lean on your grace.
As I lean on your grace.

May your power rest on me.
You are strong when I am weak
For you sustain me all my days

Let me know my Savior's face
Let my hope be secure
Then I'll rejoice in my weakness
As I lean on your grace
As I lean on your grace

Once from the Lord withdrawn
I thought that I could live my life alone
Leaving the solid ground
I sank beneath His wisdom
The harder I tried to climb The closer I was to find how
great is my weakness

May your power rest on me,
You are strong when I am weak
For you sustain me all my days
Though the trial still goes on
Your grace will be my song
For I can bear all things when temptation springs
For you sustain me all my days

Each Sunday following the miscarriages, the Lord had specific messages to me in the sermons given at church. One: Created things (children) are a great glory, but a terrible hope. Two: This one was a whole sermon worth listening to again and again. Just when I finally think I understand God's grace, He blows me away with how amazing it is. This sermon is about outrageous grace, and it is beautiful. (It also doesn't hurt that the pastor has a great English accent.) http://sojournchurch.com/sermons/outrageous-grace-by-guest-speaker-steve-timmis/ Three: God still works even through frustrated and confused people.

Lest it sound like my faith in God has been stellar through all this... yes, it got ugly at times. I'm a sinner. I sinned in anger and bitterness, but there's nothing spectacular or unusual about that. I know the kind of anger that throws and breaks a kitchen chair and the kind of bitterness and despair that puddles helplessly into the sofa. There were plenty of "words for the wind", as John Piper calls them (Job 6:26), things that should never be repeated or given any credit. There's also something incredibly frustrating about having the grace to believe that God is sovereign when you're facing something so painful. It's frustrating because you know God could have changed the outcome. All you want to do is throw in the faith towel, yet by God's grace you don't. And then incredibly He begins to restore your hope and stretch you and grow you and bless you. So there's been a lot of ugly sin over these miscarriages, now let's move on to the spectacular.

Some truths God is working out in me:

1. We need to see the depths of our sin, so that we can see the depths of God's love for us. The miscarriages stirred up sins of anger and bitterness and despair that were already a sediment in my heart. The world would say here: "Don't be so hard on yourself! Don't be so negative and down on yourself!" But the world misunderstands. This isn't about getting down over my sin, but about having my heart warmed and hope restored by God's love towards me in spite of my sin.

2. Elisabeth Elliot says that acceptance brings peace, and there is a difference between acceptance and resignation. I am still learning to accept these miscarriages.

3. One of the great comforts through these miscarriages is this: I want nothing greater than for my children to know and love the Lord Jesus Christ. I have no doubt where those babies are, and that where they are the love of Christ abounds.

4. We Christ-followers should be known as a thankful people.

5. We Christ-followers should bask in God's grace. Nothing we do can make us any more acceptable to God, & nothing we do can make us any less acceptable to God.

6. C.S Lewis said, "they say these things are sent to try us...But of course one must take 'sent to try us' in the right way. God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't."

7. Emotions and feelings are not the truths I need to focus on and often are not even truths to begin with. C.S. Lewis wrote, "unless you teach your moods 'where they get off', you can never be a sound Christian or even a sound atheist, but just a creature dithering to and fro with its beliefs really dependent on the weather and the state of its digestion."

8. Finding joy in God is essential for life. John Piper says, "You glorify what you enjoy...What you take joy in is magnified and God made you to magnify Him. The fight to be happy in God is the most important thing in your life because God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him...whatever makes you most happy is your god."

9. When bad things happen put all your eggs in the God-is-good basket. (also John Piper)

10. God's mercies are new every morning. And they are perfectly suited for that day. "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases: His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion," says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in him." -Lamentations 3:22-24


11. And the greatest truth that has come out of it all is how the Gospel applies to suffering. When suffering makes it feel as if God is punishing me or no longer loves me, I can look to the cross. Sinclair Ferguson said, "If the Father loves me so much that He did not spare His own Son but delivered Him up to be crucified for me, no further guarantee is needed of His wholehearted and permanent commitment to me and to my blessing Whatever happens to me must be seen in that light."

And this from an article in Christianity Today by Linda Falter titled Beautiful Anger: In the crucifixion "God held the limitless force of celestial wrath in check...The blameless, beloved Son of God is mocked, tortured, and murdered while His Father watches...Surely God would need no further justification to manifest His wrath toward evildoers. But, amazingly, this is the point at which God chooses to reveal the strength and beauty of His holy love...God's anger is not like ours. It is infused with holy purpose...The hands of almighty God at the pinnacle of His anger are outstretched, nail-pierced, bleeding, forgiving...His holy rage is under the perfect control of limitless love. He suspends final judgement for a time, until every good purpose is fulfilled."

The future is unclear. More miscarriages? Adoption? When? How? It terrifies me to think of how tempted I am to abandon God and turn from Him when suffering comes. I am at war with my flesh, but I am learning to fight with the strength God provides. That's why I've written this...a rock of remembrance when suffering comes again. Because it will come again in one form or another until we are home with Jesus. I understand what the writer of Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing meant when he penned these words:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above...
O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothèd then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace!

Community Matters

At least it should. It does for us in a huge way. Although I don't think most people know what is meant when you talk about community, especially in the Christian context. Community has become a bit of a buzzword in a lot of churches. Which is good because we are called as believers to be apart of and to live in community (Gen. 2:18, Eph. 2:19, 1 Jn. 1:7). The problem is very few people take the time to define what they mean by community. When I say the word community I mean having a group of friends with whom you do all of life. The people who know what trials you are facing, what joys you have experienced. They are the people who have permission to point out things wrong in your life. They are the people who have the courage and the love for you to openly confront sin, especially sin you may be blind too.
A lot of people read that and think that does not sound appealing. Having people who are so in your business that they know everything about your life sounds miserable. I would contend that the reason people feel this way is because they don't have a true grasp of the gospel. In the death and resurrection of Christ, which is the central content of the gospel, we see pride torn down and thrown aside. We see the need to earn our salvation nailed to a cross so we do not have to bear that unliftable burden. It is hard for us to draw close to people because we are afraid of what they will think when they really get to know us. This is what the gospel destroys. Through the cross of Christ you are freed from the weight of having to impress people. You do not have to out work other Christians in the game of holiness. The ground around the cross is completely level. No one gets to lean against the cross because they are more deserving of the love of God than someone else. When we begin to truly grasp the gospel then we will truly be drawn into community.
Community matters for us. 2011 was a very difficult year. Between the normal busyness of work, school and family we walked through 2 miscarriages in 5 months. I know God would have helped us through those difficulties if we were not involved in community. But the grace of God in our life placed great friends around us so they could comfort us and encourage us and bring us dinner and cry with us and speak words of truth into our lives. So thank you Adams, Askins, Haddoxes and Morgans for being apart of our lives. We love doing life with you and we are so thankful for all God is teaching us through our community.

The Art of Remembering

The start of a new year always makes me reflect on life, especially in the last year. There are so many moments that seem to influence and shape your life in a given year. This past year we have had triumphant events, finishing two more semesters of school, and tragic events, losing two babies to miscarriage. In between those two things are hundreds of more little events that moved our life along. How are we suppose to remember all of these things? Is it even worth trying to remember?
In thinking about this I have decided it is absolutely worth remembering. But I want to remember in a very intentional way. I want to remember not just random events or difficulties we experienced. I want to remember God's hand in those moments. I want to remember how He taught us through joys and pains. I want to remember how He provided exactly when He needed to. I want to remember these things not only for my own soul, but also for our son. I want him to know, that when I talk about the greatness and faithfulness of God, it is not mere words, but a life where He has shown himself faithful.
So I have come to the conclusion that the best way to remember is by writing things down. Since we have this blog what better place for us to record the ways God is revealing himself to us as we walk through this life. In a few days we will mark living in Louisville for 2 years. It is hard to believe it has been that long. I wish we had started recording the ways God has moved in us and for us these last two years much earlier, but today is a start. Here is a list of just a few ways God got us to Louisville and how he has guided us ever since...

1. An amazing church that is centered on the gospel, sojournchurch.com
2. A community group who has become like a family to us
3. Love and encouragement from our families as we stepped out in faith to move here
4. Money for moving expenses, insurance, tuition, textbooks, and the list could go on
5. A job within two weeks of moving here (I had absolutely no job prospects lined up before moving)
6. A great place to live with bills included in the rent
7. Gospel-centered counselors to walk us through the difficulties of two miscarriages
8. An amazing education from Southern Seminary that has deepened our love for God (I say our because Meredith has been able to take seminary wives classes that have really stirred her heart and affections for the things of God)
9. My job providing enough for Meredith to stay home with Benjamin
10. A healthy and rambunctious little boy
11. Celebration of 5 years of marriage

This is just a small sampling of the many ways God has shown himself faithful. Hopefully over the next months and years we will be able to add many more post to this blog about what God is doing in and through us.

Through the Love of God our Saviour

1. Through the love of God our Saviour,
All will be well;
Free and changeless is His favor,
All, all is well:
Precious is the blood that healed us,
Perfect is the grace that sealed us;
Strong the hand stretched forth to shield us,
All must be well.

2. Though we pass through tribulation,
All will be well;
Christ hath purchased full salvation,
All, all is well:
Happy still in God confiding;
Fruitful, if in Christ abiding;
Holy, through the Spirit’s guiding;
All must be well.

3. We expect a bright to-morrow,
All will be well;
Faith can sing through days of sorrow,
All, all is well:
On our Father’s love relying,
Jesus every need supplying,
Then in living or in dying,
All must be well.

by Mary Peter

Fall in Louisville...

A Run That Glorified God

I've had this unusual struggle recently with leaving Sunday worship in a bad mood.  Some might counsel me, "Well, maybe you should go to a different church".  But, I don't think that's the answer.  I'm pretty sure the Bible never measures a healthy church by the mood of those attending it.  And I do believe this is a good church for us.  The gospel is proclaimed, the teaching is sound, we have found a place to serve, and the fellowship within our Community Group has been huge in making Louisville feel like home.

I made a comment to Derek as we walked out, "The mingling after church makes me feel like I'm in junior high again."  "What do you mean?" he said back.  "It's all just awkward small talk.  It's all very shallow," I replied.  He was quiet for awhile... I hate it when he gets quiet. Finally, he said, "I don't like that phrase "small talk", and it's only shallow if you make it that way.  It's only shallow if you are not interested in what the other person is saying."  Ouch!

So, then I was really in a bad mood.  I'm the one who's shallow.  We get home, and I decide to go for a run to process all this.  At some point, I realize that what actually makes it junior high is standing there waiting to see who will come talk to me.  (I'm yelling at myself to grow up.)  Next time, I need to go initiate a conversation! But, back to the run... I know the problem is me and my sinful heart, but how do I work through that?  It strikes me that my sin is pride manifesting itself as self pity.   Poor me, no one will come and talk to me.

Throw on top of all that a greater need to love others.  I have it in me to do that.  I have Christ in me who is God.  And God is love.  So, how do I flee this darkness?

All this is going through my head as I'm running.  Then, the coolest thing!  The lyrics to the Charlie Hall song "Marvelous Light" start playing through my head.  "Into marvelous light I'm running, out of darkness, out of shame. By the cross You are the truth, You are the life, You are the Way."  And I'm running, and the sun is beaming down on me, and I know this is from God.

 I don't have to act like the person I was in junior high, because I'm not that person anymore.  In Christ I am a new creation.  The old has passed away; the new has come.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." -2 Corinthians 5:17

It's good to get a glimpse into the depths of our depravity.  My struggles include pride, self pity, fearing man more than I fear God, seeking the approval of man over the approval of God... the list goes on and on. But, in Christ I'm facing down the darkness.  I'm not who I was.  My life is hidden with Christ.  I pray and plead with God that this would be evident! I am a wretched creature apart from the grace of Jesus Christ.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God." -Colossians 3:1-3

Derek challenged me to initiate a conversation with someone after church next Sunday.  And not to let it be shallow or junior high.  In fact, there was a woman sitting in front of us today holding a baby about Benjamin's age who smiled at me twice.  I'm pretty sure I could have had a "real" conversation with her. I repent of my pride.  Lord, forgive me.  By Your grace, I will love others better. 

So, this is how my inner self is renewed day by day (2 Cor 4:16, Eph 4:23); this is how I set my mind on things above and not on earthly things (Col 3:2); this is how even a run can bring glory to God (1 Cor 10:31).

Verse 1
I once was fatherless,
a stranger with no hope;
Your kindness wakened me,
Awakened me, from my sleep

Verse 2
Your love it beckons deeply,
a call to come and die.
By grace now I will come
And take this life, take your life.

Pre-chorus
Sin has lost it's power,
death has lost it's sting.
From the grave you've risen
VICTORIOUSLY!

Chorus
Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the life, you are the way

Verse 3
My dead heart now is beating,
My deepest stains now clean.
Your breath fills up my lungs.
Now I'm free. now I'm free!

Bridge
Lift my hands and spin around,
See the light that i have found.
Oh the marvelous light
Marvelous light

Lift my hands and spin
See the light within...

Fun in our Texas home.

Sometimes I'm not sure what to call home.  Texarkana is home... that's where my parents live, Austin still feels like home, Louisville is home... that's where we actually live. Maybe all the confusion stems from the fact that this world is not my home period.

9 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. 10 Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. 11 Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. 12 Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation. -I Peter 2:9-13

That being said, we just got back from a great trip to our Central Texas "home"! Thank you Nunnellys, Flores', Ruizs', McClungs, and Teutons for your great hospitality! We loved seeing every single one of you! We got to spend a Sunday at Austin Ridge Bible Church and catch up with so many friends there. Plus, I got to hang out with a few of my old co-workers... really friends is a better word. What a sweet time we had hanging out together the night before baby Chloe's birth! 

Enough talk... here are some pictures. I didn't capture every moment of our trip. There's always people and moments I wish I'd got on camera. But, I did get some very sweet pictures.

 

Okay, so this was actually in our Tennessee home... Benjamin and Cousin Morgan in the wagon at Nana & Boompa's house.

 

Morgan is such a little nurturer! She spent most of her time in the wagon making sure Benjamin was okay. Sweet thing!

 

Benjamin & Daddy... what a happy boy! He's a sweet child as long as you're not trying to get him to take a nap. He loves to play!

 

Grant Nunnelly, Benjamin & Daddy go for a swim!

 

We had a great weekend with the Nunnellys and the Tippens! We started out as friends with no kiddos and now we're up to four! 

Lt to Rt: Derek, Will, & Scott with Benjamin, Lucy Jane, Kyle, & Grant

 

...and the mommies! Kristen, Kaely, & Meredith with Kyle, Grant (peeking through), Lucy Jane & Benjamin

 

We also spent some time with the Ruizes. Stephanie, me and Benjamin in their back yard pool. Benjamin is still getting used to the water...

 

Miss Natalie & Miss Darienne give Benjamin his first haircut! He was not too happy about it, but it's at least out of his eyes now!

 

Stephanie and Benjamin with the Freeman kids... Zach & Kylie

 

Swimming with Cousin Ashton! Look at those beautiful teeth!

 

Mommy helping Benjamin down the slide!

 

Benjamin and Ashton... they were chasing bubbles which didn't really show up in the picture.

 

I love this picture! Papa Ray with Benjamin. My dad has always been great with babies, so he is making an awesome granddad. This is on the porch at Aunt Kathy & Uncle Robert's house.

 

Benjamin & Aunt Kathy (AK)

 

He loves to swing!

 

Just chillin' in the tire swing...

 

playing with Uncle Zach's (UZ) goatee...

 

More swimming... now he's really starting to love it! Momma, Benjamin, Aunt Brooke, & UZ

 

that kinda hurt...

 

He loves the water!

 

JuJu and Benjamin. What a sweet picture! My mom loves spending time with her grandson. I think she's making up some kind of story because that book has no words. :)

 

Benjamin and Cousin Carter! They were born just two weeks apart.

 

All the boys... Ashton, Benjamin & Carter

Our latest...

 

For my first Mother's Day, "Benjamin" got me some plants. This one's for the house, and it only has to be watered once a month. That's good for me!

 

 Daddy & Benjamin with my Wandering Jew plant. I've always thought that was a funny name to give a plant. Anyway, it's really pretty and also easy to maintain. I hung this plant right outside our front door so I can see it from the window.

 

This little basket I got from my Aunt Kathy a couple of years ago. This is the first time I've planted anything in it. That's Angelonia and a Sweet Potato Vine. I'm hoping the vine will grow and trail over the side of the basket. This one we hung where you see it as you come up our stairs. 

 

 Mommy & Benjamin goofing around. He really is funny, already making faces for the camera!

 

Another funny face. He really gets carried away when I get the camera out!

 

Such a big boy! Our furniture is a little tall for him to pull up on but he can do it. He'll stand there for a long time if you stand him up there first!

 

 He loves books already. He'll sit and even let me read to him for a little bit at a time. His favorite book is Baby Einstein "Mirror Me", probably because I make lots of funny faces when I read that one to him!

Two Teeth & A Snack

 

This picture was taken last Saturday.  Poor little guy felt awful!  You can see it in his eyes!  Then...

 

On Sunday two new teeth showed up!!! I know you can't really see them in the picture, but they're there!

On another note, I have a new favorite snack.  It's basically a spinach banana smoothie.  I've seen this recipe several places and always felt like it was for the truly super nutritious people... like organic everything and nothing processed whatsoever... Well, for some reason today I decided to try it, and it's delicious.  Not just "I'm going to drink this because it's good for me" delicious, but it's actually really good. And really good for you! I just put a frozen banana, two good handfuls of spinach, 1 cup of milk, and a little honey in a blender and this is what came out...

 

Looks kinda gross, but it was yummy. 

Easter & Some Funny Faces!

We spent Easter with Derek's family. That's one nice thing about being in Louisville... his family is only three hours away in Nashville! We drove down for church and lunch and then came back mid-afternoon. We had a great time celebrating the Resurrection with family!

Derek with Benjamin, Derek's mom, Betsy, with Cousin Luke & Cousin Morgan

Derek & Benjamin - almost 8 months old in this picture!

I got the camera out yesterday to take pictures of Benjamin in his big kid pajamas. You know, not the kind that button around a diaper. He is becoming such a little ham! I swear he was making faces just for the camera! I think he's figuring things out!

This face usually involves a funny noise coming out from between those lips!

"I'm so mad at you!" 

Such a funny face!

And, finally, a little smile.

This one is just to show off the cute pajamas.